Delayed Ejaculation

What is ‘Delayed Ejaculation’?

Delayed ejaculation in this context is when a person with a penis is unable to ejaculate at all, or within a timescale that they believe is acceptable, and such inability is causing them distress

What must be established first

There are many reasons why ejaculation may be delayed longer than wanted and it’s important to rule out any medical reasons before further psychosexual investigations take place. So if you have not spoken to your GP about the problem yet, you will be encouraged to do so. Your doctor will be skilled and experienced in the medical aspects and should put you at ease to talk about it. Once your GP has ruled out any underlying medical issues we can get to work.

Understanding the Context

When does the problem occur and how long has it been happening? Are other related problems happening? Do you use porn and what is your masturbation style? Do you smoke, drink, use recreational drugs or have lifestyle behaviours that can impact the timing of your ejaculation? Has anything affected you in the past? How do you feel about your partner(s) if relevant? If you masturbate in partner or solo sex, is your time to ejaculation satisfactory? Do you actually want to ejaculate? Is there any mismatch between the sex you are having and the sex you actually want?

Understanding your perspective

We need to know what aspect of the problem is causing you the most distress. What are your underlying beliefs that inform this distress. If some ‘shoulds’ emerge there may be opportunities for challenge, re-framing and psycho-education. We are complex beings living in complex times and we can usually benefit from some self-compassion.


If appropriate there are a number of exercises that can help you gain confidence, understanding of your unique arousal style and mastery of your habitual thought processes.

Check your masturbatory style. Are you using the ‘Grip of Death’? Sex is a relational practice that doesn’t have to end with orgasm

Check whether access to porn has distorted your assessment of what’s achievable and expected. Porn is not a depiction of reality

It can be beneficial to prioritise attention on your own sensations rather than worrying about your performance

How are your thoughts supporting you? Practice mindfulness and self affirmation. Don’t be a prisoner of past experiences. 

Practice during solo sex and get to know your feelings, thoughts and sensations. Connect your sex fantasies to your sex reality

Get to know and increase what excites you and reduce what inhibits you. Care for your body. Experiment with sex toys

Remember:  Pleasurement not measurement! 

And by the way, you don't need to wait for a crisis.

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